Important message from European headquarters

The European Union commissioners have announced that finally an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the final negotiations how-ever, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for Improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short).

In the first year, `s' will be used instead of the soft `c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with `k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome `ph' will be replaced by `f'. This will make words like `fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al will agree that the horible mes of silent `e's in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing `th' by `z' and `w' by `v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary `o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining `ou', and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli ensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.